Language is always evolving, playing an important role in how we understand the world, ourselves, and the people around us. As society’s understanding and acceptance of gender identity continues to grow, so does our use of more inclusive and accurate gender pronouns.
This helps create a welcoming and respectful environment for people of all genders.
If you’re new to the concepts of gender identity and inclusive language, here's a quick guide to using gender pronouns respectfully and accurately.
The Difference Between Sex and Gender
The terms sex and gender are often used interchangeably. However, they have distinctly different definitions that can have a significant impact on a person's life experiences and opportunities when used correctly or incorrectly.
Sex refers to the biological differences between males, females, intersex individuals, and hermaphrodites. This is identifying someone strictly by the reproductive organs and chromosomes they were born with or currently have.
Gender, meanwhile, is a social construct.
Gender refers to the social and cultural roles, behaviors, and expectations that are associated with the title “boy,” “girl,” “intersex,” “nonbinary,” etc., in a given community. There are over 90 recognized genders in 2023 (with a range of corresponding gender pronouns), each varying across different contexts and time periods.
Gender can be assigned to someone by another person, or declared by an individual for themself.
Most importantly, though, gender identity is what someone feels is their gender.
While sex is typically expressed as male, female, intersex, or hermaphrodite, gender is a more fluid concept that encompasses a range of identities and expressions beyond the traditional binary definitions.
What Is a Gender Pronoun?
Pronouns are words used to refer to someone in the third person—for example, in the English language we have he/him, she/her, and they/them. They are most often used to indicate the assumed sex of the person being referred to. They are tied to the binary concept of male or female, with "he/him" being used for males and "she/her" being used for females.
For example, you see someone who is woman-presenting and say, “I gave the book to her.”
But gender pronouns are also a way of respecting someone’s true gender identity, regardless of their assigned sex at birth or how they present to the public.
The List of Common Pronouns
Understanding how to correctly use gender pronouns may feel like thinking back to elementary school English class.
To help, here is a table with the most commonly used gender pronouns:
| Person | Subject | Object | Dependent possessive | Independent possessive | Reflexive |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| First | I | Me | My | Mine | Myself |
| Second | You | You | Your | Yours | Yourself |
| Third (male) | He | Him | His | His | Himself |
| Third (female) | She | Her | Her | Hers | Herself |
| Third (gender neutral) | They | Them | Their | Theirs | Themself |
5 Ways to Use Gender Pronouns Correctly
Most of us want to create a safe, friendly environment for the people in our community. By mindfully using gender pronouns and adopting inclusive language, we can make huge strides.
When you use the wrong pronouns, it can be hurtful, invalidating, and even dangerous.
For instance, misgendering a transgender person with their sex assigned at birth can contribute to feelings of gender dysphoria, depression, and anxiety. Misgendering also fosters an atmosphere where harassment and discrimination are normalized.
While you should strive to always use an individual’s preferred pronouns, mistakes are bound to happen. This is a process of learning and being open to correction. Here are five things you can start to do to use people’s correct gender pronouns.
1. Share Your Pronouns First
One of the best ways to easily learn other people’s preferred gender pronouns is to share your own first. This shows you support gender inclusivity and strive to create a more welcoming environment, without singling out an individual whose physical sex or gender may appear fluid.
When you introduce yourself to someone new, try to remember to say your pronouns along with your name.
Include your pronouns in your email signature or update the bios of your social media profiles. Instagram, Twitter, TikTok, and Linkedin all have dedicated fields for preferred gender pronouns.
If you find yourself leading a meeting or teaching a class, include your pronouns in your opening remarks or on the first slide.
The more this becomes the norm, the less shame or hesitation others might feel about sharing their preferred pronouns.
2. Use Gender Neutral They/Them as the Default
Gender is a complex and personal aspect of a person's identity. When we assume someone's gender or pronouns based on their appearance or other factors, we deny them the agency to express their identity, reinforcing harmful gender stereotypes.
It’s important to note that someone’s preferred gender pronouns may not be obvious.
Some people may be forthcoming about telling you their pronouns. Others may still be exploring their own gender identity and sexual orientation, not ready to publicly identify themselves to others. And others simply don’t want to share.
For you, the best course of action is to use gender-neutral pronouns such as “they/them.”
It works for all genders and can even be singular or plural, ensuring anyone you are speaking to will feel acknowledged.
3. Just Ask - When The Time is Right
The easiest and most respectful way to find someone's correct gender pronouns is to simply ask them what they prefer.
This comes with caveats, though.
First, you need to be aware of the environment and the present company. Would someone feel safe identifying themselves as trans, gay, non-binary, or anything outside of the CisHet norm (meaning they identify with the sex and gender they were born with and are attracted exclusively to the opposite sex)?
Put yourself in that person’s position. If you wouldn’t want to be singled out based on your sex, gender, or sexual orientation, it’s best to use gender-neutral pronouns.
If it is appropriate, remember to ask for their gender pronouns in a respectful, non-judgmental way. When possible, asking in a private setting will help ensure the person feels more comfortable.
4. Be Genuine And Apologize if Needed
If you call someone by the wrong gender pronouns, simply apologize and correct yourself.
Don’t draw attention to your mistake or make a big deal about your apology. After all, it’s not about you. It’s about making the person you’re talking to feel more comfortable. Show that you are making a genuine effort by using their correct gender pronouns in your new conversations and interactions.
Most people will appreciate your efforts to correct your speech. But if you continually use an incorrect pronoun after they’ve corrected you, it will feel more like a personal slight.
For example, imagine someone mispronounced your name and you corrected them. Despite that, they continue to pronounce your name incorrectly every time they see you.
5. Support Groups that Promote Gender-Inclusivity
SFGMC is dedicated to promoting equity, diversity, and inclusion in society. It’s our goal to help create a more respectful and empathetic environment where everyone can feel seen, heard, and valued.
By offering free events and programs to the public, we are taking the onus of leading conversations around sex or gender off of individuals and letting them show up truly and completely as themselves.
But we can’t do it alone.
Please take the time today to support SFGMC and our continued efforts to promote acceptance and inclusivity. Make a 100% tax-deductible donation today! All proceeds directly support our programs and performances and help create an inclusive and equal world for LGBTQ+ individuals.
These five steps are simple, yet impactful ways to become more inclusive with your language.
As traditionally marginalized groups gain more acceptance in mainstream society, the topics of gender pronouns and inclusive language will be new to some people. But you can lead by example and show others that it’s not difficult to use gender-neutral language and other people’s preferred pronouns.
It’s worth the effort.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
Why do gender pronouns matter?
While pronouns can initially seem like a trivial matter (often to CisHet individuals), they make a big difference for others. Using someone’s preferred pronoun is a bit like taking the time to learn the correct pronunciation of their name. It demonstrates respect for their gender identity and lived experiences while creating a more inclusive, judgment-free, and welcoming environment.
What to do if you use the wrong pronouns?
If you have used the wrong pronoun for someone, it’s important to apologize and correct the mistake. Say, “I’m sorry, thank you for sharing that with me.” Then immediately start using the person’s preferred gender pronouns.
What is inclusive language?
Inclusive language is a form of speaking or writing in ways that avoid discriminatory, insensitive, or offensive speech. It seeks to be respectful toward individuals or groups with regard to their gender, race, ethnicity, religion, sexual orientation, abilities, or other characteristics. Using inclusive language means striving to eliminate harmful stereotypes and biases that have been perpetuated by language over time. Using people’s preferred gender pronouns or gender-neutral pronouns are both examples of inclusive language.
What pronouns are gender-neutral?
The most commonly used gender-neutral pronouns are they/them. While some contend that this causes confusion as to whether a single person or a group is being referred to, this argument is often made in bad faith. The truth is “they” and “them" have been used as singular pronouns in the English language for centuries now.